Finally, after having Hugo 9 weeks ago, I'm finally able to sit down and write about my experience of labour and birth second time around.
My first pregnancy was a breeze. I gave birth twenty two minutes after walking though the hospital doors. I had a straight forward episiotomy and my stitches healed very quickly. I just bounced back within a week or two. Easy pregnancy, easy birth and an easy postpartum journey.
I think that was why this labour was such a shock to the system. I was so blasé, thinking I would walk in, pop the baby out and be back on my feet within days. I was so confident about how I thought the birth would be. How much I planned to do that first week after giving birth. How wrong was I?!
Hugo was back to back. My labour was long, painful and exhausting. As I pushed on all fours, I felt it was never going to end. When I finally delivered him, if I'm totally honest, for the first few seconds I couldn't have cared if I had given birth to a horse. I was in so much pain I think I was delirious and I was just grateful it was all over. I felt quite bad about that for a while. You are supposed to feel immense joy the minute the baby arrives but it took me a few minutes to feel like that. It takes some women hours and others months and that's ok. Trauma, however big or small affects us all in different ways. You shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed. Recognising it, having the courage to speak about it, is a massive step in itself.
I tore quite badly, in fact, I tore at the front all the way to my clitoris hood. I was in a state of shock initially, but once Hugo was placed on me and we had skin to skin contact, it was worth all of the pain. Birth is a bizarre thing. You go through this exhausting, painful, emotional, scary rollercoaster and as soon as it's over you're handed a living thing to look after for the rest of their life. Life as you know it has completely changed forever,
They asked me if I wanted to go home that evening but I'm so glad I decided to stay in hospital. I personally needed that time away from the house. If I had gone straight home I would have been worrying about the dogs, feeling that I should be doing housework, trying to do as much as I could with Harriet. It was nice to stay in and not have to worry about anything else for one night. I was in pain and bleeding quite heavily so knowing the nurses were there to look after me rather than worrying at home, kept me at ease. Plus knowing I had left a list of jobs for Nathan made me smile too. He was going to have to cope with his work, a three year old, the dogs, the cat and the housework. I couldn't trust him with the washing and ironing though!
I did try and do too much too soon this time. I wanted to be up and having family strolls, showing our new bundle of joy off to the world straight away. I felt frustrated with myself that I was in agony and couldn't cope walking to the car let alone long summer strolls. Other new mums seemed to be out straight away as a family, well according to their instagram accounts they were and this made me feel even more pressure. Plus no one tells you about the after pains on your second baby. What are they about? I felt cross with myself that I hadn't snapped back days after giving birth. I was embarrassed of how I looked. Looking back now, even just 9 weeks later, I can see how crazy I was being but at the time I couldn't see it. I had all those emotions and hormones pumping around my body. I didn't want to listen when people said 'you've only just had a baby'. To me, accepting how I looked, meant I wasn't coping. If I looked immaculate then people would think I had my shit together right? I wish I could go back a few weeks and tell myself to chill. I'm glad I've realised now and I can relax and enjoy everything a little more. Now I'm grateful for how I look right now because this body produced this amazing baby and these boobs are making him grow!
Hugo Monty Mears was born at 2:12pm on 14th June 2019 weighing 8lb3. A perfect little boy to complete our family. As much as I was shocked and pained by the birth, they do say time is a healer. Reading this back, which I started to write a week or so after he was born, I have to say, I would do it all over again!!!
Victoria
x
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